Rollercoaster of emotions...

I think that..., no, I know that my emotions are stirring right now. I am having feelings of frustration and anger, sadness and depression, some fear, and overall just some loneliness. I know that some, maybe all, of this is stemming from Dewayne being gone now. This is where the evil one steps in and attempts to use any weakness I have to attack. The evil one has tried to make me believe all kinds of crazy things today, things that are just outright not true - but it has still been difficult to just maintain and not fall into the traps. The verse in 1 Peter 5:8 does not have any more relevance that at times like right now:

"Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour."

Goodbye to a great counselor, brother in Christ, and friend...Dewayne Wood

Sometimes I would leave his office with a sincere joy of new realization and discovery, sometimes I would leave with great sorrow and conviction over the same, but never did I leave feeling unloved or alone. Never did I doubt his own belief of the man inside me bursting to break free of the chains that so heavily weighed me down and numbed me. Never did I doubt that he really cared for me and desired for me to break free and heal from my past to be the man that God had already made me to be. His care, his compassion, his love, and his firmness were all sincere examples of Christ love for me. Dewayne Wood was my counselor, but also, he was a brother in Christ and a sincere friend. We didn't hang out or do anything outside of the counseling office, but maybe after a time, when I would be free from those chains again, I feel sure we would have hung out. Regardless, he was a friend, someone who knew my heart and knew how to read me and get through to me, and it was Christ who did this in him. God blessed this man with amazing gifts, that will have years of impact on many lives even though now he is gone. Thanks to God, Dewayne, and my men's small group, I am alive inside! Still more to work through and heal, still more to dredge up and deal with, but more than ever today I can feel my heart and Dewayne played a key role in this being able to happen.

There is and can be no replacement for Dewayne. He was a priceless individual and irreplaceable. In my sorrows now I am beginning to develop a little fear, a little anxiousness, that I don't have anyone to continue on this journey with; but then I realize that honestly I do. I have my brothers from my small group. Guys whom over the last 10 months I have come to know better, have been more honest with than ever before in my life with my struggles. Guys who don't judge me but rather love me through Christ love. I have seen tremendous growth from these guys over the last several months and with that our relationships with one another have increased all the more. Dewayne had a great impact in this happening as well, as he also counseled two of the other guys in my group on a regular basis and he has helped us all to overcome our anxieties about just being real, no matter the consequence, no matter the subject. We have all grown and Dewayne was part of that. Thank you Dewayne. For just being real, for just answering your call to your ministry, for hearing God and without wavering, followed His will for your life.

I wish everyone I know could have known Dewayne. It seemed to me that he was one that didn't know a stranger. One that could fit into any crowd and just be himself at the same time. The world is a little less complete now without Dewayne and he will be missed, by me and I know of many others. I pray now for his wife, I don't know her and I cannot imagine her pain or loneliness right now, but I know she is hurting, I know she is feeling incomplete, and I know her heart is broken. What I also know is that God is and will be her comforter, her support, her protector, her everything. I hope that all the things written, all the things said, all the stories told will be a testimony to her over her life of being married to a wonderful man of God.

So, tonight, one day and many hours after Dewayne left this world to be with our gracious father, I say goodbye to my counselor, brother and friend. I love you Dewayne and you will be missed always and never forgotten.

"Well done, good and faithful servant..."

I guess one can never really get used to a sudden death of a friend. Death in itself, spoken by the words of John Piper, is something that follows us around all of our lives. We cannot escape it, we cannot hide from it, we cannot avoid it. It just is.

I am exhausted. Emotionally, mentally, and physically. Today was a really tough day. A friend of mine, also currently my counselor, past away in his sleep last night to be found by his wife this morning not able to wake him. I can't even imagine how that felt for her. I am so deeply saddened inside for her and I don't even know her. I am sad for myself too. Dewayne, while he was my counselor, I also considered a friend. He has helped me to see so many things about myself over the last 8 months that have in effect transformed my life tremendously. Now, he is gone. Never will I have a meeting with him again. I last met with him on Tuesday afternoon this past week, and when our session was over, thanked him, and said I'll see you in two weeks, no knowing that a week later he would be gone.

I have much more inside that I will probably be writing about soon, just tired right now and I think sleep would be the best thing for this moment. I miss Dewayne. I miss his smiles and his laughs, I miss his serious look when discussing the tough stuff, I just miss him.

I know, without a doubt he is now in complete peace in Heaven with our gracious Father. He did not see this coming and no one was really prepared for it, but God knew, God knows and He will see us all through this. Dewayne Wood. A very missed dear friend. Love you bro, and I will miss our times together but I know you are in a far greater place than this earth that we still dwell upon. Good Night.

Just want to say thank you to our Lord and Savior for tonight. It was a special time tonight with our Singles group participating in a Homeless Ministry. Tonight I ended up being the one that needed to do the devotional at the event. I had asked for someone to step up earlier in the week, but got no takers. This was fine, for some reason. I normally in the past when faced with this type of responsibility would have been overwhelmed with fear and worry. Funny enough, or maybe sovereignly enough, the Lord laid on my heart yesterday morning what His will was for me to speak about. Fear and Worry.

The event started off like any other time and we hung out and talked with the homeless people who were there and enjoyed our time with them. Around 6:45 or so, I checked with one of the other leaders to find out when I would need to do the devotional. Most everyone was finished eating so we decided to go ahead and get started. Another leader, Carlissa stepped up and called attention to our devotional time and introduced me. And I was on...

I honestly don't remember much of what I said. I had written out a guide to follow and used it a little, but mostly just focused on the Word and tried to apply real life to the lesson. God showed up in a BIG way. I was so thankful!

Finished up and the night went on with a sweet time of prayer and worship.

Thank You Lord for just being there, for being by my side, for removing my own fears and speaking through me. You are faithful and I am thankful. Thank You Lord.

Good Night.

Today, being that it was June 5th, I experienced some emotions that were not new but more intense and overwhelming than I had anticipated. Honestly, I really didn't know what to anticipate for when this day would come back around, but overall, this was all a very good thing.

I can remember last year when this day came around, nothing happened. Nothing.

It was a little weird to me then that I wouldn't have experienced any type of emotions, but then I also don't think I even realized where I was at that time emotionally. For the most part, my heart to some degree was dead or numb. I had spent so much time and energy on stuffing away my emotions, my hurts, my pains, basically my heart.

Today, this was all very much different, actually completely the opposite. I looked at the date on my calendar at work and my heart sank. Then I flipped to my calendar on my computer just to be sure I was seeing things correctly and again, my heart sank, but this time with much more emotion, emotion that began to produce tears immediately. I did my best to keep my composure while I continued to think through memories that began to immediately fill my mind. It was a sad time, sad in many ways, but through it all I ended up seeing growth and progress in my own life.

Tonight, a friend of mine called, a buddy from the "Man Group" and he knew what I had been going through earlier today. I had canceled lunch with him so that I could spend time with the Lord and just let all my emotions flow. He left a message on my cell and I called him back on the way home from work tonight. We had a great talk about the day and about life in general, mainly discussing how we've seen each other grow over the past year since around October. He even shared some scripture that he had run across that reminded him of me and things in his own life, I now would like to share it here...Romans 5:2-5

"Through him we have also obtained access by faith into His grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."

Wow, if that doesn't wrap it up perfectly I don't know what does. And all I can say about that is Amen.

Our suffering often gets a bad rap from us for being unnecessary and too much to handle, so often we just try to stuff it all away...thinking that it's done, it's dealt with. That stuff comes back. Whether its a few hours, a few days or a few years. It is best to deal with our sufferings upfront and openly, being honest first with ourselves and then true to ourselves by allowing the emotions to pour out. God works in that, He helps us to work through those things to dig out the sin, the infestation, the mutilated flesh, so that He can mend our wounds in a way that heals without scarring or marks. He is faithful to complete this work, but we must be open to the work at hand.

My brother-in-law once shared with me while going through some difficult times that he often becomes excited when trials and sufferings come his way. At that time I just thought, jeez, you're a little weird. And then he said that when sufferings and trials come his way, He has always seen where God has been and is at work in his own heart and life. I don't think my brother-n-law is weird, I too now become excited when trials and sufferings come my way...no its not fun or anything, and you probably would not be able to see excitement in me, but it is there. God has shown me, He has worked, He is still working. And I am grateful.

Thank You Lord for sufferings, as much as they hurt and they are hard, the transforming work that You are doing is so much more than the simple pains that come from the suffering. Thank You Lord for this day, Thank You Lord, for your unconditional love and faithfulness. Thank You Lord for Your Son, Jesus Christ!

Good Night.

Today...June 5th

A day for me that should have been filled with excitement and celebration, a day that would mark a special moment in my life, a day that would continue to glorify our Lord by our covenant before Him.

That day is gone now, and with tears in my eyes, this saddens my heart.

It's just a messy thing...

I am divorced. That is just a part of my life now. It is a messy thing, that no matter who I tell, no matter how many times I tell someone about it, it is just messy. I am okay with this honestly. I want people to know me for who I am, for where I came from, for what I've been through, because I want people to know me for me.

Tonight I told another person about my divorce. Coming away from these conversations I feel vulnerable and insecure, but with that, tonight I noticed that my feelings of being vulnerable and insecure were not as strong as they have been at times in the past. This is Christ at work in my heart, and I am thankful. This is me finally coming to a deeper understanding of His grace and mercy in my life, where I can tell the story of my life and know that His love for me has never changed, has never subsided, has never departed, it has only increased.

In life things come along that we don't expect, that we think we would never experience, things that basically turn our lives upside down and the only thing we think we can do to make it is to go into some type of survival mode. Then there is Grace. A place of understanding, a place of knowing that God loves unconditionally, no matter the sin we committed or the lies that we believed from the evil one. God is love, He is mercy, He is grace, but what we cannot fully comprehend is just how much of all that He really is. God heals our wounds and our hearts by us going face forward into the walls in our life, to deal with the emotions that result from our loss or devastation. He is there every step of the way to encourage, to inspire, to nurture, and to love on us, without fail, ever. We can keep trying and trying to stuff away the past, to try and find a way around that wall or maybe even over or under it, but until we dig straight through it; healing, restoration, and regeneration does not come.

Thank You Lord for the work you have done in my life. Thank You Lord for bringing me through some of the toughest things I thought pridefully that I'd never have to go through, Thank You Lord for revealing to me what grace really is and thank You Lord for the sacrifice of Your faithful Son, His ability to look beyond the agony, the stress, the humiliation, the unbearable pain of the Cross, to the Glory that was to behold for all in and through His death. Thank You Lord, for my life, but only in and through Christ!