What or who is a friend? Who do you consider your friend or friends? Why do you consider a person or people friends? How should a friend treat you? How should they not treat you? How do you treat a friend? How should you treat a friend? How do our assumptions and expectations play into how we perceive a friendship or how we operate within that friendship?
These are all just things that have been running through my mind lately. I may not go into why, but I just need to free my mind a bit here. I'm now in a dating relationship. This is an awesome and wonderful thing, but sometimes I wonder just why it seems that when you get into a dating relationship, that other friendships seem to fade or dissipate all together. I know in my past, that I have been a big reason as to why some friendships have changed, but this relationship is different. This relationship is free and easygoing with no hesitations to just be myself within it. I can speak the same for Tricia, my girlfriend. I guess I just wonder why it is that some friendships go from a place of hugs, handshakes, and genuine down to earth conversation suddenly come to a place of awkwardness and sometimes silence.
I have spent a good bit of time with girlfriend. We have spent time getting to know each other better and have been establishing what I see as a really good relationship founded and centered in Christ. No, we're not perfect, who is, but we both want our relationship to be centered in Him and with that we want to continue our friendships that we've always had, it is very important to both of us. Granted, I understand that some time spent with her more often sometimes leads to others maybe thinking that we've moved on, or we're not interested in doing things that Single folks do, but the funny thing about it all is that we are still single. Plain and simple. And we love spending time with our friends, me with hers and her with mine. She has come to get to know several of my friends as I have with her friends and it has seemed to work out very well in many situations, however, there is the puzzling thing to me that some friends of mine, those whom I really thought would embrace her, and want to get to know her, have not really tried to hardly talk to her. I say all this as sensitively as I can, because I really don't want to offend anyone, but then I guess on the other hand, maybe it could all just be in my mind. Maybe it could all just be my fault; maybe it could be just what's supposed to happen, but for some reason I just can't help but think it shouldn't.
Honestly, it just hurts. And it disappoints me. I know I should not have expectations, but then I wonder how unhealthy my expectations really are in this matter? I see the same thing happening to others, and some of them not even connected to the same realm of friends. It kind of reminds me of something even I've been guilty of in the past when some of my friends have gotten married over the years. I remember being hesitant to call them, or thought they were probably busy doing married or couple things and wouldn't have time or desire to spend time with a single person, like I would be a third wheel or something... that's all just a bunch of bunk if you ask me and I think it just has to be said.
Don't misunderstand any of this. I'm not having a pity party here, far from it really. I'm just curious what is going on? I wonder what is misunderstood, heck I wonder what I'm misunderstanding? If you're reading this and you go to assume that I'm speaking about you, well, don't assume. This is not something that is being addressed to a particular person or group of people, I'm just asking a question. I'm just looking for answers. With wisdom comes understanding, and hence freedom and grace. I'm just searching, that's all, so please forgive me if I have offended, it has not been my intention. Feel free to respond, actually I encourage you to and be anonymous if you want, regardless I'd love some feedback.
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8 comments:
JJ: I would not be too quick to put all the blame on yourself (or Tricia). You and I have talked a little about this before, and I actually tested the theory out on a couple of girls who we both know, and they seemed to think it's true as well.
I really believe that when someone starts dating in a group of singles, godly, grounded people, just go a little nuts. Even if the people in the relationship are two that you would not have considered dating or wanted to date, all of a sudden there's less choice, less prospects, and ultimately, if we're really honest with ourselves, less hope.
I do think having a relationship, like yours is right now, is a tricky thing. It's not impossible, but it is difficult because it takes a certain level of maturity, not only on the parts of those in the relationship, but also on the parts of those not in the relationship. That's a whole lot of people, needing a whole lot of maturity, at the same time!
Yeah, I hear what you're saying, and honestly, I wasn't really trying to take all the blame with this...but rather just leaving the sincere possibility that I'm just as upside down in it all as anyone else would be. Great point especially about the lost hope. I really have not thought of it much that way, but something great to ponder on. It's a tough thing all around and I realize that it does come down to maturity in some sense, and I know that maturity is needed on both ends of the equation. This is difficult for me, and not that I'm not up for the struggle, because wierd as it sounds I know that God is up to something really awesome just as I sit here pondering all this stuff. Thanks for responding, I do appreciate it.
this has me thinking about grief. Life changes, and we try to hold on to the way it was. I don't like it when I lose friends. I don't like loss. So I cling to things. I don't want to hold on loosely.
Yeah, and I think it may just be a part of life we may never get used to. I don't like it either, whether life changes or how life changes, when friendships change or when there is loss of friendship, it really is hard. I understand that some friendships have to change to some degree, but in the mix of all that there are some friendships that seem to be doing so and not because they have to. I am praying about it all but it is hard to keep a fair perspective on it I guess. Thanks bro for going through this with me.
a little more grief tonight. We've gone to the same Halloween party for many years, but tonight we didn't. I was sad all night. This change feels like loss. We were with other people tonight, but it was hard to engage with them because the loss was raw.
Hey Jason... I totally understand where you are coming from and hate how often this happens in life! I think so much boils down to what everyone has: (whether a little or if they are honest, a lot): INSECURITY...from what branches so many reasons why interaction with a friend who now has a significant other shouldn't be weird, but it is. I have been guilty of this in the past I am sure. I wish I could smack sense into people sometimes, including myself!
But may I also add that I had a GREAT time talking with you and Tricia tonight, and am encouraged by what God is doing in you both!
Thanks Becca for your input. Insecurity rages up in all of us, even when we know it is there, it still overcomes at times. I too have been guilty of doing the very same thing, but I'm seeing all this as a lesson in life at this point, trying to press past the past and just treat others the same way I'd like to be treated.
Tricia and I both had a great time talking with you too. It was good to catch up and hopefully we can all hang out sometime.
Lee - sorry about the time you had last night. I know how that is when something that has always been a staple of life is suddenly ripped away and then with not knowing exactly how to proceed or establish new staples in life. Press on brother, we're in this together, battling the same battles, side by side, with Christ as our leader. Love you bro.
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