A stop in the wall...

Chiseling, hammering, and chipping away at the stone and mortar...much progress has been made but suddenly stopped. "Going Through the Wall", a lifelong journey, where there will be many stops along the way. These stops are the places that God desires to dig out of me the muck and sin of many layers built up over years of sloppy patches and/or survival protections put in place by me to lighten my own load, to lighten the sadness, to put away the anger, to take away the disappointment, with the sole purpose of making it look like I have it all together.

I have a choice here to some degree...I can either back up and back out of the wall. From all the progress, from all the grace, from all the love and mercy that God has already given without condition to go and try to find my own way around or over or maybe even under the wall to avoid the possible suffering that may come from continuing through the wall...
OR...
I can stay there, in the midst of the wall; dark and lonely as it may seem, lies of hopelessness roaring through the mind attempting to devour me and continued sweat and tears that will surely come from the work. I say "dark and lonely as it may seem" because really I am not alone, not at all. God is right there, showing me the next stone to chip away at, lighting the dark tunnel before me and bringing to light the sin and muck that needs to be dealt with. He desires for me to stay in it, to allow myself to feel my emotions that I may have been stuffing away for years; emotions of fear, anger, sadness, and loss. This, so that He may finally cut those things out of my flesh and heart, so that He can replace it all with His love, His mercy, His sufficiency. He doesn't stop there, He, the great Doctor of our lives, will mend our wounds, will heal our hurts, and will bring "renewal and restoration" to our heart and soul. This is as my pastor talked about in his sermon today "Restorative Transformation".

I have decided. I'm going to stay.