My ride yesterday...a lot like life.

Yesterday, I went to Oak Mountain to attempt the red trail loop on my mountain bike. It was an awesome ride for the most part. I started at the north trail-head and began my climb up the mountain. I figured I would get the hard climb out of the way early so that I would not have to do it mid-way through. This turned out to be a great idea considering I was toast when I finished back at the north trail-head.

During my ride, I took my time on the initial climb up the mountain. I took my time to just see all that was around me. The pathway up the mountain is a small roadway or fire road as some would call it. It winds through the woods with a slight uphill grade along the way. Crossing several streams and seeing the beauty of the woods was a delight of my ride. To just see how God painted the woods, as a painting of His nature. It was so calming and quiet. I was on my own out there with the occasional hiker or biker passing by, so it was a great time for reflection. Thinking about the winding path, the streams, the extreme uphill parts, the jagged rock sections and then the very smooth paths; this is kind how life is. Sometimes we have the smooth path to ride along and not much really going on, maybe even some great things, but nothing to stress or cause doubt in our hearts. Then sometimes we may be struggling with something, where in that struggle we may encounter the jagged rocks that can knock us down as easily as it can blow a tire. Then there are the water ways and extreme hills that cannot be avoided. The only way is to go straight through it or on up the hill. Regardless, what I realized is that every time I encountered more difficult terrain, there was always a smooth path just beyond. A place of rest and regeneration. We often feel like we are going through the difficult terrain of life, but if we wait on God, and trust Him with our lives, He will be sure to bring about those smooth pathways once again.

This was an awesome day, being my third or forth time back on the bike in 4 or 5 years, and I actually rode the entire 17 mile loop. I felt great about this. It was an accomplishment for me that I am thankful to God for. There were many times along the way that I literally asked God to not only help me to enjoy the beauty His place, but also that He would give me the strength and energy to finish the ride. He did, and I finished. Thank You Lord.

Margarita please

So, a friend and I were sitting at Superior Grill last night, now a favorite of mine with Mexican food, and I ordered my usual top shelf margarita and this is what they brought...looks like a beer with a lot of foam on top, but no, what you see is pure tequila layered below the normal frozen margarita mix...now THAT is a REAL MARGARITA!

To ride or not to ride, that is the question?

Today I had planned to get the mountain bike out again and head to Oak Mountain, but in looking at the weather I see rain and possible storms coming in. I'm not afraid of rain or storms for that matter and have ridden in the rain several times. Maybe it will blow over quickly, but maybe not, either way, I think I'm still going to go. Riding in good weather is one thing, but riding in the rain is completely different especially in the woods and on trails. The technicals that come about only increase due to slippery roots and water run-off, but hey, I think I just want to go, so I think, I will. There is beauty to behold, even in the rain. God created that too so why not?

Get out and enjoy the day! Don't let the rain stop you.

"Beauty"

I love to write, as if you couldn't tell by reading my blog. But lately, I have to say that it has been strange but I really have not had much to say. Not sure really why for the most part, but I think it is something God is doing in me right now with showing me an appreciation for His beauty. The world around us has so much to see, so much to smell, and so much to experience, but I wonder how much I really take advantage of it all. Lately, I have been reading a couple of different books, one "Way of the Wild Heart" which I've mentioned before and another book I just picked up called "A Severe Mercy" by Sheldon Vanauken and CS Lewis. Don't ask me why I am reading both of these books at the same time but I have learned so much from each of them in different ways and some similar ways.

The main point here is beauty. It is amazing how much beauty is around us all of the time. A beautiful sunset, a breathtaking view, the flowers of spring, and so on. I don't know that I have always really taken the time to stop and just appreciate it...until now. Lately God has been bringing my attention into focus with more and more of these things. Like even tonight or rather late this afternoon, a friend of mine and I went to Oak Mt to ride the trails again. You may remember from a past entry we went last weekend too, but that was around the middle of the day. It is amazing the difference the way the trail looked tonight. The bright sun still shining above but not as intense as during the middle of the day, casting an entirely different depth of shadows and scenery. I had never really thought about this on my rides in the past, but the sheer magnificence of it all is breathtaking in itself.

To listen while riding through the woods is another thing I enjoy doing. I don't know why but it does intrigue me for some reason. You will hear nothing for a little while then suddenly the leaves will rustle just to your right or left, it may be a squirrel or maybe even a deer looking for food. There is so much there but not even enough depth to just take it all in. God's beauty is in everything and when reading some of Eldredge's books he talks about the beauty and art that CS Lewis uses to describe in his books. I know many of you have read many of his books, and I've read a few but honestly never really paid that much attention to all of the descriptive detail. This week even while reading some of the "A Severe Mercy" I picked up on this in a way that I have never before and I have to say it was amazing and beautiful. CS Lewis and this guy Venauken are both very descriptive writers with an ability to describe that will allow your imagination to take you right there. This is beauty, and right now, I am craving that beauty. God has given us so much, and now it's time for me to stop and see, smell, touch and enjoy all that He has given so graciously. Thank You Lord, for all You have given me, help me to take the time to stop and enjoy it.

Quick bit of advice...but VERY useful!

When you are replying to an group email that a friend sent to you, be sure, be extra sure, and then even triple check that you are replying just to the person who sent the email to you and not the entire list that the original email was sent to in the first place.

This my friends...is the difference between "Reply" and "Reply to All".

If you don't know, don't ask.
If you do, well, I guess you just do.

That's it for today!

"Familiarity" Idol or Not?

Have you ever thought about familiarity being an idol itself? It's not something that I would normally think about, but I cannot help but think now that it has to be one of the greatest idols that we have. Earlier tonight, when writing an email to a dear sweet friend of mine, it came to be the a main point of the overall email. I am still trying to get my brain around this, but on the surface it makes sense to me.

Everyday we are faced with decisions to make, things to choose over, whether to take a leap of faith or not, to go or not to go, to ask or not to ask, to step out or continue to stay safe...all of these things and probably many more can be linked somehow to our familiarity of the life we are used to or grew up around. Of course I do think there are other things that play in but if you look at it in its simplest form, it just makes sense.

I think a good example of this is where recently I have volunteered to head up our Single's groups' involvement with the Homeless people of Birmingham. This is a ministry that our group has been participating in for about 3 or 4 years from what I know. To get to the point, I have to be honest here...when I was told about it being a need, my initial reaction was to back down or cower away because I just don't know this particular area of ministry very well at all. Other thoughts that ran through my head..."I don't know these people, what would or could I say?" "How can I bring happiness to them?" "I don't have any experience so how am I supposed to try and make a difference?" Those are just a few, but then this past Friday night was my first event to go to in this role, I went down to Linn Park, and honest truth, I was nervous, so nervous I circled the block and then I circled the block again. I felt insecure and alone. I was overwhelmed with thoughts racing through my mind, wondering what I would or could say to people? I was basically scared to death and I hate admitting that but it is the truth. I have to say that after a little while, I began to warm up a little and then some other folks I knew showed up which helped a ton and they didn't even know it. By the end of the time there I finally had gotten up the courage to go and sit with a nice lady at a table and we talked briefly. She was SOOOOO nice and I was honestly just taken back a little not that I expected mean or anything but when I say nice, I mean a genuine, sweet-hearted person. It was not the most comfortable conversation and if you asked me there was not much of a conversation at all but I engaged, I attempted, and that was what counted for that night.

To get the point across more clearly, as I was saying above, I was told this area of ministry was in need of someone to lead and encourage participation. I knew in my heart and mind that of all the things that I know, it was not anything to do with homeless people, and then something struck me there. I wanted to do something that I knew would bring "me" joy or that I could naturally just pick up and run with, but this was not that at all. At this point, I realized that God has been preparing me for this for some time, and now was that opportunity. I needed to step out of my comfort zone and get into the stuff that I don't feel comfortable with at all. I need to invest myself in all people, not just the people I know, not just the people I feel comfortable with, and not just people who have a home to go home to. This was another fear of mine, that I dare not say that I've overcome, but one step at a time, I am finding out that in Him, I can do all things!

So next time something not so familiar and maybe downright intimidating is staring you in the face, think about it, pray about it, because while it may not seem like opportunity to you at that point, you may be surprised at what it can grow to become.

So, what do you call two people with asthma on a mt. bike ride?????

A REST STOP! Well, I thought it was funny anyway, maybe you had to be there. A buddy of mine and I went mt. biking today after helping a friend with his deck. Really the ride was great, but it was only my second time back on the bike in 4 years and his first time this year, overall I thought we did pretty well but mostly just had a great time enjoying God's beautiful landscape. I think its great to get together with a brother to just nurture that friendship. No place for all b.s., while there is some, its good to just talk real about life. It is refreshing to put it better. If you have a friend that you've been meaning to catch up with, call them, go do something with them. Go for a ride, a run, hiking, whatever, just spend some good time talking about real life while doing it. I believe it is what God calls us to do, but honestly that is not why I do it, I just enjoy it, even if sometimes the conversations get a little tough. Gotta run!

Finally, an answer...

Yesterday, our pastor, Bob, was preaching on the topic of "Live and Let Die" derived from Luke 23:44-49. When I first saw the handout on the topic, I was really curious what was going to be said and how the familiar title would play into the whole thing. To me, the gist of the sermon was basically about our lack of surrender of the coping mechanisms in our lives. This all immediately began to hit home. Bob said that "coping numbs us from dependence on the Father". What a true statement, and as he talked about it in more detail, a million thoughts began to race through my own mind of my own mechanisms. He went on to say that "we would much rather be fixed than to be needy." Absolutely, I agree. I would rather be fixed than to feel the pain or suffering that comes from dealing with certain aspects of life. But, is this right? Submitting ourselves to being "needy" is taking a courageous step towards the light, exposing the muck that dwells deep within our sinful minds and hearts. It just feels like the most overwhelming place of insecurity and vulnerableness. Honestly, I really don't like that place, and I think for a better part of my life, I have more times just tried to find the fix rather than to be needy before the Father.

He desires for us to surrender. But not only that, but that our surrender be confident as Bob said yesterday. "Confident Surrender"? What is that? "We are called to Live and Let It Die" as our pastor preached...and until we can do this with "complete, absolute, unconditional surrender", we will not experience the healing that is needed. Bob went on to talk about following all of this up with a "Joyful Commitment" To "long to do the will of God" and "live to God's pleasing". Much more to it than my short rendition, but it did connect. It did strike a cord.

Actually, it answered a question I've had inside for I guess about a month now. There was an opportunity that I came about back then, and I really thought this was something I wanted but for good reasons, it ended up that it was not working out. It was a place where I could have been passive like many times in my life, it was something that I could have disregarded what God was trying to do, but for some reason, this time...I just listened. This was probably one of the toughest times that I have gone through since my divorce. I "thought" I had it all together and that letting go (surrender) of that desire would be a piece of cake, but I was seriously wrong. The desire consumed my mind day and night, and questions raised by my own insecurities began to well up to the surface. What was it God was trying to show me through this and why was it hurting so much? It made no sense...to me at least. I even involved the help of a few friends by involving them first through an email to let them know what was going on with me. What happened while I was typing that email was new to me, and very overwhelming. As I began to write about what was up, tears began to stream down my face, and I was like, what on earth? This is ridiculous! How could it be that I could be that caught up in wanting something so bad? I almost stopped writing that email, but I pressed on, and the tears increased until it was an all out bawl and tantrum. I hate even admitting this, but it must be presented to complete the full picture. I finished the email after wading through the tears for what seemed like an hour. My heart was aching and this was all an emotion I had not even come close to experiencing in a while. While I was sad and hurting, I was also angry too. Angry because I could not have what I wanted! And the confusion continued to set in.

Looking back, that was a time of surrender for me. I don't know that I would have ever realized that having not heard the sermon yesterday. I knew it was God at work in my heart and mind, but I had no idea that I was actually surrendering to His will. I did not try to force the desire, or manipulate it, I just let it be...I guess in a way I did "Live and Let It Die". I still think about that desire but it no longer controls me as it did. I have learned to be content in God in that one surrender, and while that does not seem like much, I guess it is still one step closer to the next surrender, whatever that may be. For me, moving into these emotions, being intentional, putting myself out there on a limb is a difficult thing, but as God has been working and as I have been submitting myself further and further into His hands, He has shown me His unconditional love and mercy. Hence giving me a heart of contentment, and better yet, no regrets. Granted, this is all just one day at a time, and even today, I struggled again with the ole "copying vs. prayer" struggle. One day at a time, one surrender at a time. It is tiring on the soul, but worth the sacrifice when all said and done. Enough said, good night.

Coming alive...

Thank you Lord. For bringing me more and more to a place of being alive in Christ. No, every day is not easy, and no, I still don't have it all together, but Lord, I can clearly see Your mighty hand at work in my life. Today, again, I have seen clear evidence of Your work in my heart. In my busy every day life, I sometimes think about people around me, wonder what's going on in their life, wondering how they are, wondering what's new, or just wondering where they've been lately...but more times than others, I just let it go on past as a fleeting thought, slipping back to being so entangled in the details of my own life. Lately this has been changing. Lately, when thinking about someone, and no, I have not been perfect at it, but I have tried to at least make an attempt to contact the person on my mind, whether it be by phone, email or whatever. The result? Well, good in some ways, but for a large part of it, there has been great sadness that has resulted of it. I asked didn't I, and glad I did to be honest, but to listen to the other person as they give you the update on their life can and has been difficult to some degree. By no means do I have any regret, because now I know how I can be praying more intentionally for others in and around my life and this is a blessing.
Lord, thank you for working in the hearts of those that I have contacted, in giving them the incredible courage to share their struggles with me. I now pray that You will help me more than ever to just be able to listen, to receive, and to simply come alongside my brother and/or sister in Christ. Help me to be quick to listen and slow to speak because I know all to well, that sometimes we just need someone to listen and hear us out. We sometimes just need someone to know what we are going through so that we are not alone in our battle or struggle. We need someone to give us that long embracing hug of life that breaths the sweetest of fresh air. We need someone to let us know...we are not alone.
Thank you Lord for perfect timing and for Your infinite will. I pray that You will help me to be light to the ones in darkness, a drink to the ones that thirst from being in a land where there is no water, a tree that shades from the intense heat, and a embracing example of Your gracious love. I life up to You Lord those that are intense on my mind tonight, that You will protect, that You will be there tower of refuge, that You will be the living water and bread that nourishes them through their struggles. I pray for great mercy on their lives and that their faith may be increased by their struggles.
Lord, as Flayhart spoke about in church this morning, that we may be compelled to having a "hopeful dependence", a "confident surrender", and a "joyful commitment". That we would be intentional in our dependence to You, that we not only know that we cannot live this life without You, but that we put that knowledge to action and live our lives in complete and unconditional dependence of You. Lord, give us the strength and mercies to take on each day as they come, to not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow worries about itself. Lord, I lay all this down at Your cross this late evening, and taking a quote from a book I was looking through tonight that the author was borrowing himself, "The ground at the foot of the cross is level", meaning that we can come, no matter what the sin, no matter what the struggle, no matter what we think of ourselves, and there is in fact no varying level of your mercy and love...for this I am greatful. I pray oh Lord, all these things in Your great Son's name, Jesus Christ.
Amen and good night.

Getting back to my passions...

Yesterday, I decided to get the old mountain bike out and haul it up to Oak Mountain for a little ride. It has been roughly 4 or 5 years since I got on the trails with my ole Gary Fisher and in the beginning it showed. It was weird. I was as timid as I would be trying something completely new for the first time. As I began riding, I wondered about this. I kept looking around and wondering, can anyone see me, am I riding fast enough, am I handling the technicals correctly? What the heck, who am I? Once again, I was shown that my desire for approval or acceptance does in fact spread across all parts of our lives. I was alone in the woods for goodness sakes and there I was hoping no one would spot me just in case I was to make a wrong move or worse yet, maybe fall off a bridge over a rocky water crossing. It pretty much went this way for the first couple of miles, and then I began to feel my groove to some degree, things started coming back to me like I had never forgotten them, and the more I thought I about this, the better and faster I did ride. It was around mile 3 or 4 that I felt I had completely gained my confidence back and really started moving through the woods much faster and daring. It was complete release for me, and I think I've been craving that for sometime now.

Riding through the thick of the woods, not knowing what is around the next curve or over the next hill but pressing on like there was no fear of what is to come...it was awesome. It made me think about one of the books I'm reading currently "Way of the Wild Heart", and talking about the "Cowboy" stage of life. Another reminder to me that the "cowboy" in me is still much alive. As I said above, it has been probably 4 or 5 years since being on the trails with my mountain bike, and I have missed that, but more than that I miss road cycling. I was so into road cycling, it was a normal and regular part of my everyday life. Not many days went by that I did not ride at all and on average I would ride between 150 -200 miles a week. I loved it, never knowing exactly where I was heading, just exploring the road sometimes with others and sometimes alone, either way it was always exciting. I want to get back to road cycling, it was the one thing in life that I really found release, a place to think, a place to press out frustrations, a place to explore God's creation, all upon the wheels of a bicycle. I am not sure when, not sure how, but I do plan to purchase another road bike sometime in the near future I hope, but I am committing to not go in debt over it, I will have to pay cash, and right now, I don't have that much to spend on a bike, but no time like the present to start saving.

Why am I writing this, I guess to say one thing...never let go of your passions. What do you love to do that you have not done in awhile? Go do it!

Sufferings...

Be of sober spirit, be on the alert, Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.

But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world.

After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you. (1 Peter 5:8-10)

I think back over the day, the last few weeks, even the last month or so and I cannot help but be reminded of how much the evil one tries to take rule over our life by way working through our minds and hearts in almost every situation, conversation, opportunity, and challenge that may come along. I talk with my friends, I read their blogs, I hear concerns about others, and I even see the pain others are in at times. I am not excluded from this by any means. The evil one tries to take a jab at my self-esteem, my self-confidence, my everything every chance there is. Sometimes I see it coming, but I think I am safe to say that most of the time I am caught blind-sided and fall to the clinch of its teeth. I sometimes can pick myself up and dust myself off to keep pressing on, but other times I get caught up in that land of self, going on to think less of myself, that no one likes me, that I said or did something stupid or wrong or that maybe I'm just not good enough or don't have what it takes.

I know that many people I know go through many of the same things as I've mentioned above and I wanted to share the oh so familiar scripture above because it always brings me so much hope no matter how far down I may seem to be. Don't get me wrong, I don't have it all together, in fact, far from it but I do know and see that God is doing a great and mighty work in my life in this area right now. My own desire for approval, desire to be liked, desire to be accepted - all pretty much meaning the same, hinders my walk everyday. I am not alone. While that simple statement does not sound like it says that much, or even says much at all, it also says everything. From the verse 9 above " knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world" is clear evidence that I am not alone, that I have warriors on both sides of me, going into the very same fight that I battle every day. To some, this may not be of the most comfort, but for me I find great comfort in knowing this. Not to be misunderstood - I don't mean that I'm ever glad that others I know or don't know for that matter are going through a similarly difficult time, but I find it comforting to know that I am not in this battle alone. My brothers and sisters are right there with me, some of them may opening talk about it and some may not, but regardless we are all in this together.

The next verse (10) "After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen, and establish you."

Stop for a second, read that again...

Basically, no not basically, EMPHATICALLY - He who called me, He who called YOU, to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself PERFECT each one of us, will CONFIRM each one of us, will STRENGTHEN each one of us, and lastly He will ESTABLISH each one of us. These are four of the many promises that God has made for His children and these are four of the very same things that the evil one goes after in full assault when we're not looking. At the beginning of that verse "After you have suffered for a little while" tells me that sufferings do come and they do go, and in each and everyone of those, God is in fact at work in each of us. Don't misunderstand me here, I don't mean this to say anything even resembling that God does this to punish or teach a lesson, but rather I do believe that He allows sufferings to enter into our lives to help us to see more and more clearly our need for Him every day.

One thing before I close this entry tonight. I did not mention the obvious that is found in the scripture above, not directly said, but directly clear; God is with us always and therefore no matter how alone we may feel, We are never really alone. He loves us, He cares for us, He has our best in mind at all times and He knows our every need. So, I leave you with this, "Be of sober spirit, be on the alert, Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour."

Amen and good night.

Getting off the fence and moving into my fears...

Okay, well, part II from my last post may be put off for a few more days, it is so much to chew on honestly and right now even reading back over it, I'm at a loss as to what to say to continue it...so onto other things.

I hate confrontation, and this comes from one that used to say that he liked confrontation. It has been made apparent to me over the last several months that I've had this thing about being passive to some degree. To explain further, this usually happens when I am in a conversation with others discussing some subject that may or may not even be all that important and when asked of what my opinion or rather my position was in the matter, I would somehow concoct a way to more or less answer on the fence, basically having a feel good answer that would not risk me any embarrassment or debate. Another example would be like one that happened recently at work. I am a loan underwriter and basically that equals to looking through new credit applications and all of the supporting documentation such as income docs, appraisals, credit reports and all that stuff to eventually come to a sound credit decision. Then I would send an email to the branch lender that submitted the application explaining what all would be needed to wrap the deal up to close. I've only been with my present company for about 3 months but have been doing what I do for probably close to 6 or 7 years. So, to some degree my emails are usually proofed after sending them to be sure I was asking for correct information or not too much or maybe need more, whatever is the case. To get to my point, last week this occurred again and I was questioned as to why I had asked for certain documentation pertaining to a loan. It really go under my skin to be honest, but I just sat on it for a while and thought about how to respond.

After thinking on this for a while and saying little prayers in my head asking God, should I do this or not, is it disrespectful or not, am I taking an unnecessary risk or what, to go and stand my ground to my superior with full explanation as to why I asked for what I did. In the past, just so you know, I would have typically just blown it off and stayed angry or frustrated over it for a day or two, then I would go through the questioning of myself phase where I would wonder what my superior thought of me, basically beating myself up thinking I had done something stupid or wrong. Well, through some of the work God has been doing in my life as of the last few months in particular I have been feeling more and more called to stop being passive, to stop retreating, to stop reserving myself and through all of that STOP having the regrets I would have afterwards. So, I did it. I sat down and wrote a very professional yet firm email back explaining in detail my reasoning in asking for what I did and expressed that it was in fact the correct thing to do. There was obviously more than that to it, but you get the picture. Then, the agonizing part, I just sat there and looked at that dang email, oh, for about 20 minutes, then I even downsized the screen and said oh, I'll think about it some more and come back to it later...crazy isn't it? Then I guess after another hour or so, I pulled it back up and before I had anymore time to read or think about it, I just pressed SEND. It was gone. I thought that I would immediately regret it but instead a sense of peace immediately came across me and I was honestly able to finally put it out of my mind for the rest of the day.

The next morning I came in to find an email from my superior that she had sent at 6PM the night before. I was a little nervous to be honest when I began to read it, but just pressed on. Basically she communicated that she was fully understanding of my reasons to ask for what I did, and she made some additional good points about how to maybe go about those types of request in the future but overall she was glad that I had stood my ground and took the time to explain my position. She also said that she was glad that I felt free to share my position because that is what she wants from her department as a whole, a team that works together and does discuss and hash out rough edges sometimes to build and be an even stronger team later. All that long-winded wording to say this, standing up, it ain't so bad after all, and when we do things like this we have to remember that God goes before us to prepare the hearts and minds of those we come in contact with. He gives us the courage, He gives us the words, and He gives us the opportunity, and then He takes care of the rest...so that we too can simply...rest. Just a little update on this since it happened last week. Seems like now that my superior seems to respect and trust me a whole lot more than before, maybe another evidence that confronting my fears is the right thing to do?

Initiate, Engage, Go into the emotion...

...much to the whole point of why my blog is named what it is. See, going through the wall is much more difficult than going around, or over, or even under for that matter. A wall typically will have several layers of who knows what within its structure...much like me, I am a person with many layers to me that I have attained over the years. Some of these layer protect me, some hide me, some show me the passive way out of a situation and some even show me how to stay in until I can get what i want. Now please understand, that is a lifetime of sin built up in those layers that I so wish were not there. They are so hard to even identify and then once identify to tear down seems near impossible, but it is possible, God is doing this in my own life as i speak. More about these layers and all later, just to get to a point...the Wall. Going at the wall, we have to face all of those ugly things we see inside us, the things from our past that we may still be ashamed about, the things that still hurt and we thought we had dealt with it, the things that we thought we forgave people for, but not really, you get the point I think. These things mount up on us like a wave from a Tsunami because really dealing with those things creates a sort of wound again, but let me say, that wound is just being re-opened, it is not fresh and it has been there all along.

All this to say,I write this to some degree for a friend, Julie, a great friend of mine that I love reading her blogs because of her real to life depiction of what is really going on inside of her. I commend her for that and thank her for the inspiration to start my own. You can find her link on this page under A Fond Affection, check it out and you will see what I mean. Anyway, in some past conversations and in a few post of blogs we have discussed to some length the whole need for approval thing that so many struggle with. Really its much more than that, but we'll leave it at that for now. We were both at a friend's house last weekend watching basketball with a bunch of friends and she was in the kitchen with some other girlfriends of hers talking, seemed to be an intense conversation and usually I just keep on pressing by those, but I stopped and listened for a minute and was not told to leave so I engaged with these ladies as to what they were talking about. There seemed to be a good bit of frustration and confusion all at the same time, and in the midst of that, each girl at that setting seemed to look as if they were alone. This was kind of sad to me to just see this, not in a pity way sad, but sad to the heart, that they too are feeling what I have and still do feel at times depending on the circumstance. Once I had a good feel of the conversation, I interjected a comment that i wanted all of them to hear. I told them that they are not alone in how they feel, and to just look around that setting in itself and they could see that, but added more to this when I told them that men too struggle with this, well at least the men that would even confess it or reveal it in the first place...and granted, it takes a lotta, well, we'll say chicken nuggets to get a guy to fess up a vulnerability like that, but it can and has been done.

My thoughts on this as I too have been directly dealing with this same type of struggle for some time now and am beginning to see how God is working in that...Our Lord, God - He loves each and every one of us. He desires His best for each of us, and He has given us the greatest gift of all through the death of His son, Jesus Christ. No, this does not just make it easier, I know. But a reminder that never hurts! Getting down to the depths of why is it that we desire approval, or like to be in control of things, or to know what the future holds for us, or why we may or may not get asked to do certain things, or why you always see some groups of friends together but then wonder why your not with that group....you get the picture I hope...getting down to the root of all of this by my guess would be somewhat different for each person searching to find out. It is more than shallow I promise, and likely reaches way back to childhood or later. Things that happen in our lives over time has unconsciously reminded us of those things and hence our response mechanism was to learn how to work through it with as little pain, trouble, confrontation, embarrassment, or whatever it would be, just so that we would not have to feel it all over again. This is where today, once you see where your tendency to do that is recognized, start taking notice and then stopping yourself to see it clearly. Identify what that emotion is. Was it anger, was is sadness, was it jealousy, what was it? This to me is one of the most important elements of ever moving forward through that wall, cause you're not going around it, okay? Well, it's getting very late, I've gotta be up in just 4 hours and 18 minutes, so i will try to put part II up tomorrow sometime....stay tuned.

Am I sick, or is it warfare?

Well, been feeling kinda cruddy for the last couple days, running fever, body aches and all that, so I guess I am going to go to the doctor today. I really don't want to go because I don't know that they have something that will just make me better. I hate being sick, however, I know it is probably a good thing because it is the only thing that may slow me down enough to really get some rest. Slept until 10AM this morning, I don't even remember the last time I slept that late, but hey, it felt really good, except for the headache I woke up to.

Weird thing about being sick, for me it usually comes when something is really going good in my life or when the direction or path in which I am heading is exactly where I feel that God is leading. I wonder how many others this happens to? I honestly feel that in most cases this is spiritual warfare. Previously this week I had made some initiating steps towards some things that God has laid on my heart to move into and invest myself. God has been really working through the Holy Spirit to give me some direction in where I need to be involved, where He can most use me and the gifts that He has given me. I love people and honestly over the last couple of years I feel like I have been stagnate and disconnected, but with many thoughts coming about, maybe it was a drawing from the Holy Spirit, I don't know. Anyway, what I do know is that I am now making steps to re-involve myself into life, into ministry, and all with no holds barred. Usually I would say "but" at this point, but no more, there is no "but" in life, I will now press on...fight this fight...get over being sick, and praise God for His protection during this time of being sick. When we are sick, our defenses are down, our desire is diminished, our sinful laziness kicks in and it's almost as if we just take time off not only from work, play, things, but most importantly God. Hence the "but" I mentioned earlier, to say "but" or even think it is to compromise with what we know is right, what we know is best, and ultimately what we know God is prompting us towards. I am excited about the opportunities that God has presented in my life, and I will press on to do this that God has called me to.

Another point to make about this warfare is that it comes in many different ways, not only by being sick but also by distractions and things that come about to derail what He is desiring to do in our lives. I was discussing all of this yesterday with a friend and all the events that have come about over the last month or so. I revealed that I do have a fear of being derailed because often in the past I have been and his response was that now is where I can the true grace of God working, but in a different way, not by going back and fixing those things in the past, but rather in a backwards way. He brought up the book I think "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe" and how the author mentions towards the end of the book that work is sometimes done backwards in our lives, meaning that we have experiences in life from the past where we have failed and this in turn ends up being a reminder when some of those very same "decisions" come to face us again today and later tomorrow...all this to say that the grace comes in through this, where we can see and remember how we once handled a situation and how God uses that NOW to allow us to make the right decision, to choose the right path, to take the stand we needed to stand, and to have the courage and strength to do so. He gives us the opportunity all through grace and while it may seem a difficult situation, the results are never regretful.

I don't know if any of this makes sense to whoever may be reading this, but maybe the sickness is clouding my being able to explain it the best way. Maybe I will post again later today or tonight to reiterate my thoughts. I guess we'll see. Have an intentional and fearless day, to do all that God has put you here for, to workout in fear and trembling, His desire for your life, but knowing with all your heart, that He desires your best, He loves you, and You are here in His image.

Finally, I will post something to this blog...

Why is it that I have put off writing on this blog for so long? I think I created it sometime back around January or so. Anyway, here I am, not sure what to say right this second, but I know the words will come soon.

Funny thing, I realized today that for some reason I actually have access to this at my work, which is really weird considering that I can't tell you the number of harmless emails that I receive that get quarantined for being a possible threat. Anyway, doesn't matter, I am just glad to have access to this blog here at work. It should allow me a place of quick access to put down some important things when they go through my head. I hate it sometime when I will have to wait for lunch or after work to write about some things I've been thinking about. Well, getting back to work now but wanted to get this initial post on here to get things started. Later.