Okay, well, part II from my last post may be put off for a few more days, it is so much to chew on honestly and right now even reading back over it, I'm at a loss as to what to say to continue it...so onto other things.
I hate confrontation, and this comes from one that used to say that he liked confrontation. It has been made apparent to me over the last several months that I've had this thing about being passive to some degree. To explain further, this usually happens when I am in a conversation with others discussing some subject that may or may not even be all that important and when asked of what my opinion or rather my position was in the matter, I would somehow concoct a way to more or less answer on the fence, basically having a feel good answer that would not risk me any embarrassment or debate. Another example would be like one that happened recently at work. I am a loan underwriter and basically that equals to looking through new credit applications and all of the supporting documentation such as income docs, appraisals, credit reports and all that stuff to eventually come to a sound credit decision. Then I would send an email to the branch lender that submitted the application explaining what all would be needed to wrap the deal up to close. I've only been with my present company for about 3 months but have been doing what I do for probably close to 6 or 7 years. So, to some degree my emails are usually proofed after sending them to be sure I was asking for correct information or not too much or maybe need more, whatever is the case. To get to my point, last week this occurred again and I was questioned as to why I had asked for certain documentation pertaining to a loan. It really go under my skin to be honest, but I just sat on it for a while and thought about how to respond.
After thinking on this for a while and saying little prayers in my head asking God, should I do this or not, is it disrespectful or not, am I taking an unnecessary risk or what, to go and stand my ground to my superior with full explanation as to why I asked for what I did. In the past, just so you know, I would have typically just blown it off and stayed angry or frustrated over it for a day or two, then I would go through the questioning of myself phase where I would wonder what my superior thought of me, basically beating myself up thinking I had done something stupid or wrong. Well, through some of the work God has been doing in my life as of the last few months in particular I have been feeling more and more called to stop being passive, to stop retreating, to stop reserving myself and through all of that STOP having the regrets I would have afterwards. So, I did it. I sat down and wrote a very professional yet firm email back explaining in detail my reasoning in asking for what I did and expressed that it was in fact the correct thing to do. There was obviously more than that to it, but you get the picture. Then, the agonizing part, I just sat there and looked at that dang email, oh, for about 20 minutes, then I even downsized the screen and said oh, I'll think about it some more and come back to it later...crazy isn't it? Then I guess after another hour or so, I pulled it back up and before I had anymore time to read or think about it, I just pressed SEND. It was gone. I thought that I would immediately regret it but instead a sense of peace immediately came across me and I was honestly able to finally put it out of my mind for the rest of the day.
The next morning I came in to find an email from my superior that she had sent at 6PM the night before. I was a little nervous to be honest when I began to read it, but just pressed on. Basically she communicated that she was fully understanding of my reasons to ask for what I did, and she made some additional good points about how to maybe go about those types of request in the future but overall she was glad that I had stood my ground and took the time to explain my position. She also said that she was glad that I felt free to share my position because that is what she wants from her department as a whole, a team that works together and does discuss and hash out rough edges sometimes to build and be an even stronger team later. All that long-winded wording to say this, standing up, it ain't so bad after all, and when we do things like this we have to remember that God goes before us to prepare the hearts and minds of those we come in contact with. He gives us the courage, He gives us the words, and He gives us the opportunity, and then He takes care of the rest...so that we too can simply...rest. Just a little update on this since it happened last week. Seems like now that my superior seems to respect and trust me a whole lot more than before, maybe another evidence that confronting my fears is the right thing to do?
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