Finally, an answer...

Yesterday, our pastor, Bob, was preaching on the topic of "Live and Let Die" derived from Luke 23:44-49. When I first saw the handout on the topic, I was really curious what was going to be said and how the familiar title would play into the whole thing. To me, the gist of the sermon was basically about our lack of surrender of the coping mechanisms in our lives. This all immediately began to hit home. Bob said that "coping numbs us from dependence on the Father". What a true statement, and as he talked about it in more detail, a million thoughts began to race through my own mind of my own mechanisms. He went on to say that "we would much rather be fixed than to be needy." Absolutely, I agree. I would rather be fixed than to feel the pain or suffering that comes from dealing with certain aspects of life. But, is this right? Submitting ourselves to being "needy" is taking a courageous step towards the light, exposing the muck that dwells deep within our sinful minds and hearts. It just feels like the most overwhelming place of insecurity and vulnerableness. Honestly, I really don't like that place, and I think for a better part of my life, I have more times just tried to find the fix rather than to be needy before the Father.

He desires for us to surrender. But not only that, but that our surrender be confident as Bob said yesterday. "Confident Surrender"? What is that? "We are called to Live and Let It Die" as our pastor preached...and until we can do this with "complete, absolute, unconditional surrender", we will not experience the healing that is needed. Bob went on to talk about following all of this up with a "Joyful Commitment" To "long to do the will of God" and "live to God's pleasing". Much more to it than my short rendition, but it did connect. It did strike a cord.

Actually, it answered a question I've had inside for I guess about a month now. There was an opportunity that I came about back then, and I really thought this was something I wanted but for good reasons, it ended up that it was not working out. It was a place where I could have been passive like many times in my life, it was something that I could have disregarded what God was trying to do, but for some reason, this time...I just listened. This was probably one of the toughest times that I have gone through since my divorce. I "thought" I had it all together and that letting go (surrender) of that desire would be a piece of cake, but I was seriously wrong. The desire consumed my mind day and night, and questions raised by my own insecurities began to well up to the surface. What was it God was trying to show me through this and why was it hurting so much? It made no sense...to me at least. I even involved the help of a few friends by involving them first through an email to let them know what was going on with me. What happened while I was typing that email was new to me, and very overwhelming. As I began to write about what was up, tears began to stream down my face, and I was like, what on earth? This is ridiculous! How could it be that I could be that caught up in wanting something so bad? I almost stopped writing that email, but I pressed on, and the tears increased until it was an all out bawl and tantrum. I hate even admitting this, but it must be presented to complete the full picture. I finished the email after wading through the tears for what seemed like an hour. My heart was aching and this was all an emotion I had not even come close to experiencing in a while. While I was sad and hurting, I was also angry too. Angry because I could not have what I wanted! And the confusion continued to set in.

Looking back, that was a time of surrender for me. I don't know that I would have ever realized that having not heard the sermon yesterday. I knew it was God at work in my heart and mind, but I had no idea that I was actually surrendering to His will. I did not try to force the desire, or manipulate it, I just let it be...I guess in a way I did "Live and Let It Die". I still think about that desire but it no longer controls me as it did. I have learned to be content in God in that one surrender, and while that does not seem like much, I guess it is still one step closer to the next surrender, whatever that may be. For me, moving into these emotions, being intentional, putting myself out there on a limb is a difficult thing, but as God has been working and as I have been submitting myself further and further into His hands, He has shown me His unconditional love and mercy. Hence giving me a heart of contentment, and better yet, no regrets. Granted, this is all just one day at a time, and even today, I struggled again with the ole "copying vs. prayer" struggle. One day at a time, one surrender at a time. It is tiring on the soul, but worth the sacrifice when all said and done. Enough said, good night.